Regular Season Schedules

Lo and behold I can blog about football in the depths of the non-football season. The regular season schedules came out this week, and that brings me 32 opportunities to make spreadsheets.

So far, I have determined that the Packers will go 13&3, the Bears will be 11&5, and the 49ers will go 15&1, again defeating the Packers in the season opener. It seems that my angry Packer fan profile pic will be useful all year. Really, the 49ers season is a cakewalk, due to their sh*tty division. I mean seriously, does anyone remember that Arizona has a football team?

I'm also playing around with creating Difficulty Ratings. The current calculation is the number of wins their opponents had last year divided by their number of losses. The Packers Difficulty Rating is 115%, the Bears are 102%, and the 49ers are at 106%. Please note that Difficulty Rating is pronounced Dif-ficle-tee Rating.

Similar ratings and numbers are being calculated for the division standings, but no one cares.

Super Bowl Sunday Edition

Today is the day, the last day of this season, the day we were all waiting for, and the match-up we were all hoping for last year. Instead, we had to watch a boring seen-it match up between two teams that are probably more dis-liked than liked. We also have a fun match up of a more-or-less overdog team and a "team of destiny". The season has been fun, and sad, and boring sometimes. My experiment with keeping statistics and making picks has been fruitful, and now an extra game seems excessive. I don't much care who wins this one, though I do think (and want) the 49ers to be Super Bowl champions. The Ravens are that "team of destiny", what with their one linebacker that everyone likes who announced his retirement at the beginning of the playoffs. The game should be good, and the day is nice. I will ignore the commercials, and probably mute the half-time performance. 25 minutes too kickoff.

--Time Passes--

The 49ers are really, really undisciplined in this game. Their first play was beautiful, until we found out that they had some kind of illegal formation (if formations can be illegal, only outlaws will have them...) and they had to punt the ball away. Since then, Baltimore got two touchdowns, and the Niners turned the ball over at least once. Baltimore is playing like a Super Bowl team, where as San Francisco forgot that they still had a game to play. Let's hope my mantra about halftime proves true, else I have to bring out my other mantra about this just being entertainment.

--Halftime Over--

Not being one to ever like whatever it is I am shown via marketing, I put the TV on mute for the commercials and for Super Bowl halftime. I did, however, see the Destiny's Child reunion, and unmuted the TV for a few seconds during Beyonce's performance. It looked quite good, but I had committed to watching cat videos during halftime, and I could not get caught up in the performance.

But now, football is back, and in history making fashion, big brother John's Special Teams returned a kickoff for 109 yards to start the second half. The 49ers need a miracle or some kind of shot in the arm, because they aren't going to win this game with worst-kicker-in-league Akers saving the day each time. There is less than a half hour of real-season football left until September, let's go San Francisco!

Oh, but before that, and in hilarious news, the power went out in New Orleans. Now, it is apparently time to lay out on the field and have a nap. All the people in suits are giving us long explanations about what is going to happen, or what has happened, or maybe what they had for lunch that day, I have no idea. Oh, James Brown is here to tell us what is happening while random fans call their friends and tell them to look at them on the TV. 

Wait, cut to the panel so the guy with the comically large mouth can explain how this affects the players, while white guy next to him either agrees or disagrees and makes different hand gestures. And I was wrong, it isn't nap time, it is yoga time - stretch on the field everyone! Come to think of it, I should stretch too. 

Referee checks time and takes out a notepad. "Call grandma tonight, ask about best exterminators," he writes. Back to the panel, the white guy, who needs a better stylist, is really mad about something. Now CBS is showing promos for their shows, and there is a new David Spade vehicle coming out soon. However, being told that they cannot air more commercials just because of a random, unforeseen event, CBS decided to humiliate the whole Bay Area while showing clips of the 4 thousand Ravens touchdowns that just occurred. After that, they trotted out random guys in suits, with microphones to talk about things. Nothing at all is happening, except the anger coming out of badly-dressed-non-Dan Marino-white-guy-on-panel's mouth. 

Ray Lewis's squats aren't doing much good, his knees are extending over his toes. I can squat better than that guy. Switch to some guys in the stand, "do you know what's happening?" "No, great shot of Colin Kaepernick spitting on the ground though."

--Time Passes--

After 34 minutes, the power came back on, but San Francisco is down by 22 points with not much time left to go in the game. I was about to give the game up to the Ravens at this point, but somehow, the Niners got their first touchdown and there is a little bit of life left in the game. Still, going to mute the sexist commercials and write other things.

--Time Passes--

The game got really exciting after the power outage, and now, just when San Francisco looked like it could come back and bring the Lombardi trophy to the city right after we got the World Series trophy, the Niner hopes rest on the most flimsy of scenarios. I think it's over, and it is over.

The Super Bowl belongs to Baltimore. That was pretty crazy, and disappointing.

Playoffs, Yeah: Conference Championships

The games started early today, for me. I also woke up late and ran an errand before turning on the TV. Nevertheless, it is only the second half of the first game, 49ers and Falcons. The Falcons are up by ten points, and nothing matters before the half. Now, I like Atlanta, but not nearly as much as I like the 49ers, and therefore, I hope they are crushed by our track-star QB in the second half.

--Time Passes--

A missed field goal by the missingest misser in the NFL seems to have shaken the confidence of the 49ers. True, I am reading more than watching, but every time I see a play, the 49ers are screwing up. They caught a lucky break with an automatic first down penalty against the Falcons, but I'm starting to get worried.

--Time Passes--

Dare I say it, maybe they got their confidence back after that lost fumble? They forced Atlanta to go three and out, then started at their 40-something yard line for a touchdown to take the lead. Less than 9 minutes left in the game, can they hold on to the lead, and even increase it? Yes, oh yes, PLEASE!

--Time Passes--

So San Francisco won (yay) and now the Ravens are playing the Patriots. The Ravens are leading in the second quarter, let's hope they can add to it.

--Time Passes--

Well, this is just insanity, after a season where my ideal picks were trailing at as low as 19% some weeks, and averaged 45%, it is looking like the Super Bowl is close to my ideal predictions. Close, but not completely on. I wish the Packers had been the NFC representatives, but whatev. The Ravens are up by 15 points over the Patriots with eleven minutes left to go in the fourth quarter. Sure, the Patriots could still win, but it is looking less and less likely. The Ravens really need to step up defense, and then waste tons of time on offense.

--Time Passes--

Oh SNAP, it is happening! Woohoo, here is to a very watchable Super Bowl :D

Playoffs, Yeah: Divisional, Day 2

So, the Packers lost yesterday, but in good news, the 49ers won. Today, it looks like the Falcons are going to win, with them at 20-0 at the half. But as I typed that, Seattle did get a touchdown, early in the second half, so things might be looking up for them.

--Time Passes--

It still isn't a blow out, even though Atlanta got another touchdown. That is because Seattle got another touchdown and just got an interception. But seriously, I can't watch any more commercials. Even the commercials that I liked are getting to me. I am starting to understand how the average American can be the way they are, with all these marketing bombardments hitting them all day. The KFC commercial is really annoying, because everyone in it needs to be about 50 pounds heavier to represent the average American couch crowd.

--Time Passes--

Things are getting very exciting in Hotlanta today, and the commentators asked if Seattle is indeed "the team of destiny" in this playoff season. My response is that yes, they are the team of destiny, and their destiny is to be defeated by the 49ers next week so they can go on to the Super Bowl.

--Time Passes--

But not too fast, Seattle, the battle of the Red will occur next week instead. And now, the Texans and the Patriots are facing off in New England. At first, it looked like the Texans were going to be an impenetrable wall against the Patriots, yet they failed to get a touchdown. now the Patriots are coming back aggressively  and are up by two touchdowns, and the Texans have yet to score more than a single field goal. I admit, I'm not really watching much of the game, especially now that I have put music on in the background to avoid the constant muting and withstanding banal commentary. But the Texans have gotten a touchdown, finally, at the end of the first half. Will they go for two? No, of course not, nobody ever does.

--Time Passes--

Well, while they were doing pretty well for a while, I predict that the Patriots will win, and that I will take a nap. Next week, one post, for the Conference Championships.

Playoffs, Yeah: Divisional, Day 1

The Broncos are playing the Vashta Nerada of football today and it is showing. While they did run a punt back for a touchdown, early, the Ravens got a traditional touchdown, then returned an interception for a touchdown, in a game that is already more exciting than any of the games last week. And not a minute after I finished my statement, Denver tied up the game. Good stuff.

--Time Passes--

But the second quarter is proving less exciting, though Denver did just make a huge play, and is now in the red zone. Ooh, touchdown Broncos. This game is exciting. I am hoping for no field goals.

--Time Passes--

Denver attempted a field goal, but the kicker flubbed it in a way that I have never seen before. Then the Ravens got the ball after the two minute warning, and they made a very pretty series of plays to tie up the game. Denver has 36 seconds to play in the half, but they have decided to go into the locker room, and out of the cold, thin air at Mile High.

--Time Passes--

Well, during half time, I searched around the TV, and found that there was an Adventure Time marathon on the Cartoon Network. First, I thought I would just watch one episode, then go back to football, but then I tried doing that, and couldn't. I did see that Denver got another touchdown after the half, so I've checked back at the commercial to see that the Ravens have not yet matched them. I can't tell who has the ball, because there is a penalty conference on the field.

There were two penalties on the play, both against the Ravens, who might have almost gotten a turnover. There was a fumble, and blah blah blah, Denver has the ball and has a first down, but then punting occurred. Back to Adventure Time.

--Time Passes--

The Ravens tied it up, then the Broncos got another touchdown, and it is 8 degrees out. The field in the middle of the Rockies is a rocky place to be, according to the commentators. Apparently, everyone is cold and shaky and the stadium is loud, but the Ravens are marching down the field. Unfortunately, there was a commercial break and I had to go back to Adventure Time.

--Time Passes--

The Adventure Time marathon ended, so we went back to the Broncos Ravens game, which got tied up at 35-all at the end, so it was into overtime. It was a beautiful game, if you happen to like the Ravens, or aren't a Broncos fan. The Packer game began, but I could not tear myself away from the AFC game until we knew who won. In the end, the Ravens won, and Ray Lewis yelled some things about God into a microphone. Then I switched over to the 49ers/Packers game, where the Packers were up by a touchdown, that was then matched by the 49ers. The Packers only got that TD on an interception return, and the offence has done nothing - save a single 7-yard pass - so far in the game.

--Time Passes--

This game has been like the other game, with neither team going up by much. Now, just before the half, the kicker with "the most missed field goals of any kickers" got a field goal. No, not Crosby, apparently, that accolade goes to the 49ers kicker, named Akers.

--Time Passes--

There was a Jeopardy break, and the final Jeopardy answer was his daughter Svetlana, who died in Wisconsin in 2011 at the age of 85. The category was Famous Relatives, and the question was who is Stalin. But back to the game now, where the third quarter is nearly half over. The sound effects of Candlestick Park are a little creepy, like someone is trying to nuke the city, or the ships are coming into port, not sure. And what I do not understand is how a field goal was scored for the Packers, when the last thing I saw was the Packer player fumbling the ball. I mean, I'm cool with it, and the score is tied now, but I just don't know how it actually happened.

These quarterbacks are going to need some lozenges after the game is done, but just like that, Colin Kaepernick just ran the 50 yard dash to get another TD. This is not good for the Packers, but is good for my witty facebook profile picture plans. Those 49ers better really be a Super Bowl team, else the Packers better get significantly better in the remainder of the 4th quarter.

Playoffs, Yeah: Wild Card, Day 2

So, I don't really care about the games today, save for proving the accuracy of my picks. The Packers already won their game, and the Bengals lost, and today are the battles of teams I either didn't care about, or didn't like. The battle of the don't care is over, and I'm pleased that the Ravens won, though I did pick the Colts. Now, the don't likes are playing. I picked the Seahawks, for obvious reasons (to anyone who knows me), but I really kind of hope they just go on to lose to the Falcons next week.

Stupid Observation: The Seahawks are from the state of Washington, and the other team is from the city of Washington.

--Time Passes--

So, Washington broke the trend of the Wild Card games, and scored first with a touchdown, instead of a field goal. They are generally dominating this game, but whatever, in the battle of the don't likes, I hope either one goes down against the Falcons next week.

Playoffs, Yeah: Wild Card, Day 1

Woooooo, football. Bengals and Texans. The Texans are attempting to win the game with field goals, and the Bengals just might let them do that, but it is only the start of the second quarter, so things may change. It has also occurred to me that I have not watched a game with the Texans in it during the entire season, and they are really good. I'm also going to Houston next week, but that is not important.

--Time Passes--

Uh, the Texans won, but who cares, the Packers are playing, and friends of mine are at the game! Wooo! Oh, and Crosby actually made a field goal just now, which puts the Pack up by 7 points. This over the team that they could not defeat last week, the Minnesota Vikings, but you already knew that. I mean really, what is there to say that others couldn't already say? Not much, really.

Ok, I can talk about the one beer commercial about the guys who hold the bottles with the labels facing forward so the kicker can kick the game-winning field goal. I just noticed that they are at the Oakland Raiders game, and the fans appear to be Raider fans, maybe. They're in grey, but they have no weird costumes, nor do they have any face-paint. They're also rooting for a kicker to kick a field goal to win the game, which just tells me that this beer company clearly did not do their research. The Raiders are NEVER that close to winning a game.

And in the meantime, the two minute warning happened, and now the Packers are 1st and Goal, from the 3, but they didn't make a successful play, so it is 2nd and Goal. Go Packers.

--Time Passes--

Whoa, so my friends at the game saw some drunk people get ejected, apparently, and missed the first touchdown. Lucky for them, there were two more touchdowns, and the Packers got an interception too, so I'm sure they're happy. At this point in the game, Minnesota has to get three touchdowns in twelve minutes to tie the game.

--Time Passes--

Five minutes have passed, the Vikings have not scored, but they have the ball and Peterson was marching them down the field. But as I understand, the Vikings are using their like 15th string QB or something? Ok, 3rd string, I think - #14, but I have no idea who the normal QB was, and now Green Bay gets it back, with less than 7 minutes remaining. Can I call? I want to call, PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL... WILD CARD GAME!

--Time Passes--


PACKERS PACKERS PACKERS !!!!! PACKERS PACKERS PACKERS